When I was young and had to pull weeds in my mom’s garden, I used to enjoy turning over large stones or bricks so I could watch the exposed creepy-crawlies scatter in the light. 

A similar experience occurs in spiritual formation, although not as enjoyable. Usually a situation will turn over a large stone in my life and expose internal attitudes and brokenness that still need to be addressed by God. My typical pattern of exposure occurs when circumstances start leaving me exhausted. Exhaustion upsets my emotional equilibrium. My physical and emotional symptoms of anxiety become more acute. I become impatient, easily angered, and resentful. I lose focus on joy and goodness and easily focus on my perceived lack. Stewing in my worry moves me into a form of self-preservation. I grip tighter to my time and money. Contentment and generosity evaporate. And the last thing I’m thinking about is intending good toward others.

And once again I’m face-to-face with my brokenness, self-centeredness, and corruption. I’m face-to-face with my failure.

For many, many years, I used to get upset at myself when this happened. I would tell myself, “You’ve been a Christian all these years and you’re still dealing with this stuff!?” But now, I recognize this is an essential part of the process of being transformed into Jesus. 

Like two tectonic plates grinding at a fault line, my failure and God’s loving grace meet. There’s shame. There’s ache. There’s sorrow. But there’s also repentance. And ultimately, transformation. Grace prevails. And God’s grace always overcomes our failure. 

Peter says, “Don’t be surprised of the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.“ James says, “Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds.” While, this cycle no longer surprises me, I’m not quite at the place where I consider it pure joy. It’s more like reluctant acceptance, like having to go to the dentist every six months.

The encouraging part is I’m noticing where God’s grace is actually transforming my weakness and woundedness. The grip of compulsions, anxieties, anger and other distorted desires is lessening. And like fragile new leaves emerging among rubble, genuine love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are becoming tangibly present. 

This motivates me to keep nurturing the soil of my life in which are planted seeds of God’s love. Through simple practices and relationships with humility and surrender, I’ll keep making space for the Spirit to bring forth his fruit… and even to turn over some more stones.