Self-delusion is too easy. There is a phenomenon known as illusory superiority or the “better-than-average effect.” Most people overestimate their abilities, intelligence and positive traits. For example, in 2018 researchers reported that 65% of Americans thought they were above average in intelligence.

This phenomenon can easily occur in our apprenticeship with Jesus. We start practicing spiritual disciplines with some “success”. Interacting with God’s grace, we replace negative behaviors with positive alternatives. Over some time, we begin noticing improvements in our thoughts, feelings, decisions, and behaviors. This positive movement can then bring confidence and sometimes an overestimation of our progress into Christ’s likeness.

Then the trigger occurs. Something happens and the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors we thought had been transformed come rushing out from the deep recesses of your life.

This happened to me last week. Debbie and I went out for dinner at a restaurant with limited parking. We drove up to an empty parking stall near the restaurant’s doors. Debbie has been experiencing severe hip pain and can only walk short distances, so this empty stall was extremely convenient. As I started to turn into it, I realized the car in the next stall had backed in at an angle. Its front end was hanging about a foot or more into the empty stall, rendering it too small for my car to fit. Annoyed, I let Debbie out near the restaurant’s doors and exited the parking lot to park on the street a couple hundred yards away. No problem. I’ve had to park on the street countless of times at this restaurant.

As I was walking to the restaurant to join Debbie, a young man carrying bags of food strolled out the doors and passed me. I turned to look and sure enough, he was headed to the offending car. In a flash, my head swam with thoughts of how this arrogant fool was too lazy to take 20 seconds to straighten his car and had just inconvenienced Debbie and me. And those thoughts were accompanied by a surge of rage. Not annoyance, but seeing-red rage. I clenched my fists to confront him, ready to knock his food to ground and tell him what an <expletive> he was. Yes, those were my thoughts and feelings in that moment.

Then I stopped. Where was this coming from? I hadn’t experienced anger, especially at this intensity, in years, even in situations far worse than this. If you had asked me five minutes before to rate my apprenticeship with Jesus as either below average or above average, I would have told you confidently that it was far above average. And here I was standing in a parking lot of a restaurant seething with fury, ready to inappropriately confront someone over a stupid parking spot.

Fortunately, self-control immediately reasserted itself. The thoughts and emotions evaporated almost instantly. And I joined Debbie for a wonderful dinner. But in the back of my head, I couldn’t shake the importance of that moment. It was a reminder that no matter how far I have come in my apprenticeship with Jesus into his likeness, I still have much, much further to go.

I think part of the issue is that transformation is not always a one-and-done experience. Over the past few years, I have genuinely seen my anger disappear. This is certainly a sign of God’s grace transforming a part of my life. Yet, I still deal with what I call “cluster emotions.” In this case, these would include impatience, annoyance, and frustration. These too are being transformed as I experience far more love, joy, peace and patience than ever before. But I’m still quite a ways from being fully free of these emotions.

As Dallas Willard often says, anger occurs when our will is being thwarted. My experience in the parking lot reminded me of my deeper issue — my desire to have my way still runs rampant in my life. And while Jesus and I have been training together in learning to not get what I want, that desire still resides deep in my body. A little stress. A slight inconvenience. A small unguarded moment. Suddenly my “wanter” wants its way. And when it doesn’t get it, the still-untransformed parts flare.

The good news is that God’s grace has been transforming me. Self-control and peace reassert themselves much quicker. The almost extinct moments of anger disappear almost immediately. And the emotional residue, which in years prior would linger for hours, is almost non-existent.

My dream, and I believe it’s God’s dream for me as well, is to eventually have my will transformed by God’s love so that I truly value others above myself and pursue their best interest above my own. My “wanter” will then only want what is good for the other person. And that transformation will also spread to my thoughts, feelings, and actions.

But I’m not there… yet.

Anger is only an example. There’s also pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, and sloth to name only the classical sins. Jesus and I have been working on those as well. But that moment of rage over an insignificant parking spot is a stark reminder that these other areas are only partially transformed as well. 

And frankly, as an apprentice to Jesus, “below average” and “above average” are irrelevant. I’m learning from Jesus how to be like him. So he should be the only true point of reference, not others. Or as the writer of Hebrews puts it:

“We must look ahead, to Jesus. He is the one who carved out the path for faith, and he’s the one who brought it to completion. He knew that there was joy spread out and waiting for him. That’s why he endured the cross, making light of its shame, and has now taken his seat at the right hand of God’s throne.”
Hebrews 12:2

Perhaps that’s the remedy for self-delusion. When Jesus is our only reference point, we’re better aware of both what has been transformed and what still needs his grace. And that sober awareness keeps us constantly grounded. 

The writer of Hebrews precedes the previous verse with the following encouragement:

“What we must do is this: we must put aside each heavy weight, and the sin which gets in the way so easily. We must run the race that lies in front of us, and we must run it patiently.”
Hebrews 12:1

Like an athlete, we shed our sin and anything that weighs us down and we run the race of loyal apprenticeship to Jesus with patience. And over time, with our eyes only on him, we will become more like him. Yet, no matter how far we’ve come, we keep running the race. Because we have much further to go.