Journeying Home

Like most children, I loved Dr Seuss books when I was young. But one book, The Foot Book, disturbed me. Because the illustrations focused on the feet of whimsical creatures, the illustrations would often show a foot while the rest of the creature’s body was beyond the border of the page. This creeped me out. So much so, that I can recall those feelings decades later.

Movies tend to use this technique as well. Many horror, fantasy and sci-if directors build mystery or suspense by only showing a fleeting glimpse of part of the monster or alien. I have been re-watching the Hobbit trilogy and noticed that Peter Jackson makes use of this technique a lot.

This technique works. It generates a lot of dissonance and anxiety in me as the viewer. But in any photo or video, what lies within the frame is only a small percentage of what is beyond the frame. Even take the magnificent images from the James Webb Space Telescope. At this point, it provides us the greatest field of view of the universe. But there is still so much more that lies outside that field of view. And we hardly know anything about what lies within our view.

This is true in life. Our perspective in any given situation is limited. I like to know as much as possible about the situation I face. When I don’t have the details, my mind starts worrying and forming worst-case scenarios. When I was younger, I thought this internal process was a strength because it allowed me to anticipate unseen circumstances that might arise. But the older I’ve become the more I realize this was a significant weakness and not a strength.

My desire for knowledge and information was an attempt to control situations. And we all know that any sense of control we might have is mostly an illusion. Control becomes an idol. Ironically, our attempt to control ends up controlling us. The idol demands sacrifices of anxiety, manipulation, deceit and a host of damaging behaviors to ourselves and others.

In my retirement, I have a new part-time job instructing elementary school students in an afterschool program. This is very much out of my comfort zone… and control. I haven’t worked directly with students in over 20 years and there are a lot of unknown aspects of this job. Every day requires me to show up and face a host of unknown circumstances. The need for control generates anxiety in me. But recognizing this idol and knowing the sacrifices it’s demanding from me allows me to resist and overcome it.

So one of my goals is to learn to be comfortable with the unknowns that lie beyond the border. I will still do my due diligence to gather as much information as I can. But that information is not to be in control. Rather, I’m trying to use it as springboard from which I can jump into the unknown and enjoy the experience that unfolds around me. That’s difficult for me. Very difficult. But the option of only enjoying what is within the borders is too limiting and unrealistic. 

Jesus calls us into the unknown. The paths of image-bearing vocation on which he leads us will invariably take us into the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23:3-4). These places of the unknown, the darkness, the ambiguity, and even the pain are the landscape upon which we travel and live with Jesus. He is with us as much in the darkness as he is in the light. And that’s the point. He is always with us and nothing can separate us from his love. So we don’t have to be in control. We can enjoy both what lies within and beyond the borders.

Warning: This is going to be a very personal post and thus a bit vulnerable. I don’t think I have shared some of the following details in my blog. I rarely talk about them. However, I believe sharing some of the details might provide any reader an understanding of why I made certain decisions, my mindset over the past 15 years, and why this lesson was so difficult for me to learn. I can honestly say that I have no anger toward anyone nor do I see myself as a victim in anyway. I think everyone involved was simply doing the best they knew at that time.

This lesson has taken me almost 15 years to learn. And I’m still learning it. Let me give some background.

When I became a serious Christian around 1985, I soon began sensing a call to become a pastor. I spent some time speaking with different pastors and church leaders. I later attended a discipleship training school to receive training in Christian discipleship and evangelism. Upon completing the course, I started a youth group in a local church and attended a Christian university. During all of this, I received confirmation after confirmation that I should be a pastor. I was certain that God’s will for my life was to be a pastor.

I soon joined the staff of a small church. Six years later, I joined the staff of a slightly larger church. In total, I spent fourteen years in professional ministry. Confident in my calling as a pastor, it became my identity. I viewed professional ministry to be a very special and unique calling, different from the general will that God had for others. This was enforced by certain passages in Paul’s Epistles, where Paul spotlighted Christian leaders as having a special and unique place in God’s Church and therefore required to live by a higher standard than other Christians.

I soon started believing that I was saved to be a pastor. While most people were saved to be ordinary Christians, I believed that those who received a pastoral calling were saved for a greater purpose. Why else would there be such a special focus on and higher standard for pastors.

Then in 2002, our senior pastor announced his retirement. For the previous few years, he had been telling the congregation that when he retired, I would become the senior pastor. My family and I were excited to live in and serve this church community for years to come. But when he announced his retirement, he also created a new Elder Board to assume leadership of the church and to choose the next senior pastor. 

The Board asked about my vision for the church. When I shared it, they told me it would not attract enough new people to pay for the new building we had just completed. Their assessment was correct. So they decided to search for someone else to become the new senior pastor. I was told to seek God about what he had next for my ministry since my family and I could no longer be part of this church.

Hurt by my experience and disillusioned by the consumerist nature of many churches, I decided to leave professional ministry. Several families joined together to explore a home church model with decentralized leadership. Also, I was soon hired by a Christian mission organization. So while not in professional ministry, I felt I was still remaining true to my calling as a pastor. 

This endeavor went on for a few years. During this time, I had applied for the senior pastor position at a couple of churches. Both times, I withdrew from the hiring process. Both positions would have required our family to move away. Debbie and I didn’t want to move our young children away from friends and family, especially from their grandparents. In addition, I was not sensing God’s approval to accept either of these positions.

By God’s providence, I left the mission organization to accept a job at a local school district as a computer technician. Eventually our family and our best friends decided to join the Eastern Orthodox Church in 2009. 

Joining the Eastern Orthodox Church closed the door on my pastoral calling. I was informed by our priest that I was no longer allowed to perform pastoral functions. Also, only the priest could teach and pastor. I’m not sure if this was unique to our local parish, but this was my experience. One thing was sure from the moment I entered the Eastern Orthodox Church, I was not called to be a priest.

So for the past 15 years, I have struggled with the certainty of my pastoral calling in the one hand and leaving professional ministry and the subsequent inability to pastor in the other hand. You may wonder why didn’t I leave the Orthodox Church and return to the evangelical church in order to return to professional ministry. Believe me, I thought about this frequently during the past 15 years. But I never felt any direction from God to make such a move.

So for 15 years I wrestled with doubts, depression, and regrets. For some time, a small voice would tell me that I was going to hell because I rejected my calling and was out of God’s will for my life. Remember, I believed I was saved to be a pastor, a uniquely special call. And I had rejected it. I had said “No” to God regarding his will and purpose for my life.

During these years, I have tried to “pastor” those who would let me, such as my kids, my friends, my co-workers. But I could not shake the sense of doom from walking away from my calling.

So, here is what I have been learning over the past year: There’s a difference between God’s will, purpose and plans for our lives. While the distinction between these three categories may not be found in Scripture, making the distinction has been helpful in detangling my understanding of my pastoral calling.

First, God’s will for us is to be God’s image-bearers, true human beings who reflect God’s character, compassion, and love into his world. This was the original vocation of human beings in Genesis. While we are corrupt and broken, it has remained God’s will for humankind. And Jesus’ campaign and unique work through his life, teaching, crucifixion, resurrection and outpouring of the Spirit was to show us what a true image-bearing human looked like, to break the powers that have prevented us from being that kind of human, and to enable all those who trust and follow him to learn from him how to become that kind of human. God’s will is to learn from Jesus how to be like Jesus — true image-bearing humans in his likeness.

We are to live and dwell deeply in Christ so that his life, nature, character, thoughts, values and confidence in and loyalty to God become ours so we may become genuine image-bearing human beings like him just as God intended for every man, woman, and child.

Second, God’s purpose for us is to work for God’s kingdom. Jesus’ campaign was also to make God King in a new way and launch God’s New Creation. By becoming and living as image-bearing humans, we continue to implement the New Creation launched by Jesus’ resurrection. The community of image-bearing humans form God’s new Temple, the place where heaven and earth overlap, the place where God’s will — his kingdom — may be on earth as it is in heaven. As N.T. Wright has said many times, Jesus said that his kingdom was not of this world, but it is definitely for this world. And we get to live in and work for this kingdom within this world.

Third, God’s plans are for us to live in God’s will and purpose in the specific contexts of our lives. We make decisions and go through changing circumstances. As we do so, we experience the providential plans of God in our lives. We may choose a career and then change it after several years. We may be single and then get married. We may have children. We may experience success and promotion. We may experience loss and ruin. We may suffer failure and even rebellion. We may move to a different city or country. We may change churches. Those circumstances are the providential plans of God. And through the changes, we continue to live God’s unchanging will and purpose. While God’s will and purpose for my life don’t change. God’s plans for my life do change as the context of my life changes.

My pastoral calling fits into this third category of God’s plans. I was not saved to be a pastor. I know that now. Sure the role of pastor is unique and special, and requires a higher standard as described by Paul. But the role of pastor is neither God’s will nor purpose and therefore, not my identity as a human being. My identity is that I am saved and being saved so I can be a follower of Christ, learning to be an image-bearing human in his likeness. As I live as such in his world, heaven and earth may overlap and God may become king in anticipation of the full New Creation he will one day bring.

Retiring this year has helped me understand this. Circumstances change and so God‘s plans change. When I was a pastor, the church that I thought would be our home shifted in leadership and priorities. I no longer fit there. There was nothing wrong with that. Nor was I willing to change my values to accommodate their new priorities. Again, there was nothing wrong with that. The result was that I needed to leave. There was nothing wrong with that.

If I didn’t experience it then and had remained in professional ministry all these years, I would have experienced it when I eventually retired from professional ministry. What would have happened to my pastoral calling and identity then? 

So I think I have come to terms with walking away from my pastoral calling. In hindsight, I think if I had stayed in professional ministry, I would have succumbed to some of the pressures prevalent in many evangelical churches today. And I think I could’ve done severe damage to my marriage, my family, and any church I was pastoring. I think I have become a better person and apprentice to Christ, by leaving professional ministry. I also think I have learned to be a better pastor by leaving professional ministry. By not having a title and position to entangle my identity, I have learned just to be with people, to see them, to hear them and hopefully to love them.

I am not certain what God‘s plans are for me as I transition into retirement. But one thing is certain. I will continue to pursue God’s will to be shaped and formed into the likeness of Christ and to pursue God‘s purposes as I live as an image-bearer in his world. The circumstances will continue to change. However they do, I will do my best to adapt and live for him.

And that will be the next Lesson Learned I want to discuss.

This morning, our first grandchild, Zachariah, was born!

Welcome to God’s good world, my sweet grandson! You have already captured my heart!

I want you to know that your mommy and daddy are some of the best people I’ve ever known and they will cherish, protect, and guide you. Seeing the overwhelming joy on their faces when they talk about you is priceless. They are so deeply and madly in love with you! And you have great grandparents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, and many others who are excited that you’re here and will always love you.

And most importantly, Jesus will always be with you, always love you, always teach you, and always lead you into a full life in his Father’s world and kingdom. He will show you the Father’s unfailing love, his inexhaustible resources, and his incredible call upon you as you grow.

Welcome to the family, Zach! We love you!

This week, a friend and I had a great conversation over coffee. We started discussing humility and loosely defined it as “getting out of your own way, “to which one of us said “that’s a tough one.“ I find that to be an extreme understatement.

I frankly don’t know how to do that. I don’t know what it’s like for others, but I cannot stop thinking about myself. Even at my best, I’m still thinking about myself. How can I live for Jesus better? How can I become more like him? Even when I’m trying to think about others, I’m thinking about myself. What can I say to them to help? How can I care for them? How can I treat them better?

I am always in the picture. It’s like I’m always looking in a mirror and the person I want to focus one — whether Jesus or another person — is standing behind me. My reflection keeps obscuring my view of them. I can’t get out of my own way. Even when I try not to think about myself I’m thinking about how not to think about myself.

Surely, there are times we should be thinking about ourselves. Sometimes, we need to think through aspects of our lives to determine if they are in alignment with Jesus’s life. At that point, I need to look closely at my reflection in the mirror. But then there are times when I need to stop thinking about myself and be fully focused on the other. But I keep getting in my own way. 

How do we do that? I honestly don’t know. This is one I need to think about. Or not? 

Yesterday, was our family’s fourth wedding. Our youngest daughter, Danielle, married an incredible young man, Wyatt.

Wyatt and Danielle truly complement each other. Both are incredibly strong, committed, determined, loyal and caring people.

My mind was filled with so many memories of Danielle the weeks prior to her wedding. She always had a fantastic smile and an infectious laugh. I remember waking her up in the morning as a toddler. Her eyes would flicker open and then she would smile this brilliant smile that would melt your heart.

I have a family portrait that is one of my favorite photos. Deb, me, Dani and her siblings are dressed nicely and standing outside. Dani had to be about three years old. All of us are posing and smiling. But Dani is standing with her hands on her hips, chin up and eyes squinted like she is about to take on the world. That’s Dani. Beauty and strength. Grace and courage.

Dani is one of the most creative people I know. Everything from making clothes, painting, crocheting, drawing, dancing, singing, and baking, I’m constantly amazed at what she can create. Many of her creations spring from designs she has in her head.

And her creativity isn’t just for creativity’s sake. Many of her creations are gifts for others. They’re expressions of deep care and love. Whether she’s baking cookies, crocheting a stuffed animal, or hand-crafting a gift, Dani’s creativity is others-centered.

And boy, is Dani determined. I remember several years ago she decided to conquer some of the big fears in her life. And she did it. One by one, the giants fell as she faced them head-on. She is so inspiring!

As we’ve gotten to know Wyatt, we have observed a similar strength in him as well. He is dedicated and determined. Last year, I saw firsthand his ability to endure through difficulties that would make another person cave. I admire his honesty, loyalty, and commitment.

But what really grabs me is watching Dani and Wyatt together. Wyatt is able to draw out Dani’s strength, courage and creativity. He brings out her smile that I love. I can tell she feels loved and safe around him.

When Danielle entered Deb’s and my world, she instantly grabbed our hearts. And we’ve been hooked every day since. I have cherished holding her little hand, hugging her, talking with her, laughing with her, crying with her. I am a rich man having been part of her life and watching her grow.

While most people get to experience the beauty, creativity, courage, humor, commitment, loyalty and other amazing traits that make up who she is, I’ve been privileged with behind-the-scene access. I’ve gotten to see and share in everything she’s poured into creating such wonderful character. I’ve felt the flames that have forged these precious traits into my little girl. Her determination has made me proud. Her courage has inspired me. Her joy has made my heart soar. And her tears have broken my heart. And through it all, I am forever proud to be her dad and friend.

Yesterday at the courthouse, surrounded by family, Danielle shifted from being my daughter to being Wyatt’s wife. While she still has my heart forever, she now has his and he has hers. And where I have memories of holding her little hand and seeing her brilliant smile, he now gets to hold her hand and see her smile every day. And while I’ve shared the behind-the-scenes access to her creativity, strength, loyalty and love, he now has privileged access to her amazing qualities like no one ever will.

My amazing daughter is now his amazing wife. She’s been part of my life almost every day for over 26 years. God willing they will share a rich and full life together for well over double that time.

I love the following quote from Elder Aimilianos:

“Marriage is a journey of love. It is the creation of a new human being, a new person, for as the Gospel says, ‘the two will be as one flesh’. God unites two people, and makes them one. From this union of two people, who agree to synchronize their footsteps and harmonize the beating of their hearts, a new human being emerges. Through such profound and spontaneous love, the one becomes a presence, a living reality, in the heart of the other. ‘I am married’ means that I cannot live a single day, even a few moments, without the companion of my life. My husband, my wife, is part of my being, of my flesh, of my soul. He or she complements me. He or she is the thought of my mind. He or she is the reason for which my heart beats… in marriage, it seems that two people become together. However, it’s not two but three. The man marries the woman, and the woman marries the man, but the two together also marry Christ. So three take part in the mystery, and three remain together in life.”

Wyatt and Danielle have started a new life together. Together, hand-in-hand, they will embrace and experience everything the years will bring.

So now all four of our children are married and fully living their lives with the ones they love. Our home is quiet. Beautiful memories echo around and bring both smiles and tears. But they are echoes. Our four babies, who we loved more than life itself, no longer live here. We’re simultaneously filled with unspeakable joy for them and deep grief as we miss each of them every day.

Life moves on. With Dani and Wyatt’s wedding, Debbie and I end a beautiful chapter of our lives.

Debbie and I have been transitioning to our next stage of life over the last few years. With Danielle‘s wedding, we step fully across that threshold and move into a new time together. We are both still fairly young. So we look to the future with hope for new opportunities, new adventures, and new experiences that will make our lives rich and full of memories and relationships. To God be the glory now and always!

I’ve battled with anxiety most of my life. But my anxiety levels from work intensified the years since COVID. The expectations and demands at work seemed far worse than previous years. My anxiety spiked very time I received a text from one of the admins. And the anxiety wouldn’t decrease when I left work for the day. I would wake up in the wee hours of the morning filled with dread, unable to go back to sleep. Last year, I was experiencing mild panic attacks while driving to work almost every day.

I know a lot of people deal with anxiety, so I know I’m not unique. Some simple breathing techniques would help in the moment. But telling yourself not to worry didn’t usually help. Ultimately, my bouts of anxiety last year forced me to look at the underlying causes. A helpful story in Mark’s Gospel provided a good starting place for what I learned.

In Mark 4, the disciples find themselves on a boat with Jesus on the Sea of Galilee during a windstorm. The waves were beating the boat so much that it began to fill. The disciples were panicked. But Jesus was asleep. He was being blown by the same wind as the disciples. He was being drenched by the same crashing waves as the disciples. And yet he was able to sleep peacefully. The disciples woke Jesus, who then quieted the wind and waves. Turning to them, he asked, “Why are you scared? Don’t you believe yet?”

Here’s what I learned from this story, with the help of Dallas Willard. There’s a difference between “faith in Jesus” and “Jesus’ faith.” The panicked disciples had faith in Jesus. They immediately went to him, knowing that he could do something. Faith in Jesus is good and essential. But the disciples didn’t have Jesus’ faith, which is why he asked them, “Why are you scared? Don’t you believe yet?”

So what is Jesus’ faith? What did he know as real that the disciples still hadn’t learned yet? Here are three foundational components:

First, Jesus knew that this world is God’s good world. The Father created this world and declared it to be good. Of all of the ways God could have created this world, this was the best and optimal way. This world is truly good.

Second, Jesus knew that the One he called “Abba” permeates this good world. This world is filled with the loving and good Father.

Third, this means that those who seek and live in the Father’s kingdom have everything they need and are absolutely safe in God’s good world.

The disciples didn’t understand this, so they panicked. Like them, I didn’t understand this, so I would panic. 

So I started praying through and reflecting upon the Shepherd’s Psalm (Psalm 23) in an effort to renew my mind around the true Reality that Jesus knew:

God is my Shepherd and I truly lack nothing in Him.

My Shepherd is training me to have full confidence in him by being my very sustenance. Any need is met by his inexhaustible resources. And this growing confidence in him restores my life.

As he trains me to have full confidence in him, my Shepherd personally guides me on paths of vocation — being his representative and image-bearer for the good of others.

As he guides me, those vocational paths will take me through dark and despairing times. But my Shepherd is teaching me that I don’t have to fear evil because since he personally guides me, he is always with me. So I don’t need to be anxious, upset, angry, manipulative, controlling, afraid, reclusive, or selfish.

My Shepherd’s rod and staff comfort me. He demonstrates this in tangible expressions of abundant protection and provision so that I can even share all I have with my those who mean me harm.

I am not flanked by enemies, but always pursued by God’s own goodness and mercy.

And my ultimate destiny is to dwell intimately with my Shepherd forever.

But any realist will observe that this world is filled with pain and evil. That is true. God created his good world to be governed by human beings. And he hasn’t altered that even when human beings choose to rebel against him and hurt each other. So in this broken, yet still good world, we will experience pain, sickness, loss, tragedy, betrayal, brokenness, and even death. But in all of those painful circumstance, no harm will befall you. Even in death, those who seek God are safe. Jesus said that those who trust him will never die. Your life and everything about you will continue into the safe and loving presence of God, even when others on this side will see your body as no longer functioning.

So as we pursue and live in our Father’s kingdom, we can see the world as Jesus did. Like him, we can confidently know that we are safe in our Father’s good world. 

This is probably an unexpected way to begin. But I wanted to put this on the table from the start. I have read leadership and self-improvement books for over three decades. Virtually all of them spotlight the authors’ successes. Frankly we wouldn’t read their books if they hadn’t succeeded in the areas about which they write. 

But I think we have to be very careful using the word “success” when discussing being Jesus’s apprentices. It is easy to perceive following Jesus as a project similar to getting in shape, fixing up our house, or obtaining a certification. We can incorrectly think of it as a process, that if we apply ourselves properly and learn the right principles and actions, we will act like him and thus be successful spouses, parents, friends, employees, leaders, etc. And while success in those areas may be a byproduct, that is not the primary goal of following Jesus. Being Jesus’ apprentice is not a program to make us successful in our lives and careers. It is learning from him how to naturally BE like him, so that like him we can be the embodied presence of God in love, faith, hope, joy and peace for the sake of others.

Learning from Jesus how to be like him is the full transformation of who we are from the inside out. And by becoming like Jesus, we become authentic image-bearing human beings, who embody the actual presence of God like Jesus did. And like Jesus, we work for the kingdom of God in this world, anticipating the fullness of God’s New Creation that Jesus launched through his resurrection. To put it in a simple way, we are becoming new kinds of people who can live in and work for God‘s New World that Jesus is creating. And we do so in the midst of this current world, living lives of competent love, sacrifice, justice, and joy for the sake of others in a world that oftentimes opposes that work.

So in my experience, following Jesus, especially at work, has been an exercise in personal failure. I’ll be frank. I’m not a great leader. I’m not saying this in a self-deprecating way. Like most people, I’m an average leader with some strengths and weaknesses. As such, I truly think there were more days when I would drive home from work feeling like I had completely failed Jesus rather than successfully embodied him.

I failed by being indecisive. I failed by being too decisive. I failed by saying the wrong things. I failed by not saying the right things. I failed by saying the right things at the wrong time. I failed by gossiping. I failed by breaking my team’s trust. I failed by being lazy. I failed by being selfish. I failed by being afraid. I failed by being angry. I failed by overreacting. Recently, there was an incident when I failed so badly and angered the wrong people that my supervisor and I thought I was going to lose my job. And the list can go on and on and on.

But as I mentioned before, following Jesus is not a process to personal success and accomplishment. It is learning to be like him and live like him as though he was living in my place. And the only thing I can bring to this relationship is who I am — my personality, talents, weaknesses and baggage. So learning to be like him is a slow process involving lots of failure.

But here’s what I’ve learned. As I try to learn to be like Jesus, the process of failing is an essential formative part of learning to be like Jesus. 

Even though I usually had the best intentions, the process exposed my corruption, my brokenness, my inabilities, and my misperceptions. Even my strengths were misapplied at times. I empathize with the disciples in the Gospels, especially Peter. They tried to speak and act appropriately, but always got it wrong because everything they said and did, even with the best intentions, no longer “worked” in the world Jesus was building.

Following Jesus is more than behavior modification or changing one’s perspective. It is nothing less than a transformation of who you are from your core being outward. Jesus said that his kingdom was not from this world. It didn’t originate from nor was fueled by the ideologies, values and priorities of what we call the “real world.” Trying to live and operate in his kingdom is like doing so in an alien culture where everything we naturally understand to be true no longer works.

Let’s imagine that you traveled back 2000 years to ancient Japan and were stranded there. Your language, values, priorities, ideas and actions won’t work in your new setting. Your only option is to become like those in this culture that seems very alien to you. You could adopt their dress, learn their language, and try to understand their culture. But it would take decades immersed in this culture until you were finally transformed and truly embodied this culture; where you would naturally think, speak, relate, and dream in the new language, values and perspective of the ancient Japanese and the language, values and perspective of your previous culture had almost faded away.

Also, the process of failing did more than expose me. It caused me to be honest with myself. Trying to follow Jesus and desiring to be like him seemed to magnify my failures. My failures seemed worse because I longed to be Jesus’ presence and representative in my workplace and was failing to do so. In turn, this made me realize that I didn’t just need to learn new values and behaviors from Jesus. I needed HIM. I needed his mercy, his love, his power, his life. 

In John 17:3 Jesus described the life of God’s coming age (i.e., learning from him how to be like him in his new world) as knowing God and Jesus the Messiah. In other words, the life of God’s new age is available through an intimate relationship with Jesus. Earlier in John’s Gospel, Jesus spoke of this intimate relationship a different way. He said we needed to remain in him and he in us like branches dependently attached to the vine.

So my failures made me turn to him and cling to him and trust him even more.

So is there a way of measuring success? Again I think we need to be very careful about that word. Perhaps there are ways to check our progress as Jesus’ apprentices. I think about confidence and loyalty to God in any circumstance. Naturally caring for and even sacrificing for people around me, regardless of cost is another one. Forgiving people easily for any slight against me, including betrayal and lying could be another one. Peace and joy in all circumstances is another. These are just a few off the top of my head. But the moment we reduce a relationship with Jesus to a handful of metrics, we risk completely missing the point.

Or here’s a passage from Colossians 3:12-17 that can provide a good health check:

“You must be tender-hearted, kind, humble, meek, and ready to put up with anything. You must bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against someone else, you must forgive each other . . . On top of all this you must put on love, which ties everything together and makes it complete. Let the Messiah’s peace be the deciding factor in your hearts; that’s what you were called to, within the one body. And be thankful. Let the Messiah’s word dwell richly among you, as you teach and exhort one another in all wisdom, singing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs to God with grateful hearts. And whatever you do, in word or action, do everything in the name of the master, Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the father.”

So as I follow Jesus, he is not going to short-circuit the lifelong process of intimate relationship and transform me into a paragon of success in my life or career. That’s not his goal. Rather, we are being formed into authentic human beings like Jesus was — prepared to continue what he started and live a life of transformative love, forgiveness, justice, and sacrifice for the good of those around me. But my own personal selfishness, corruption, and desires don’t evaporate and still continue to get in the way. 

I fail. I’ll keep failing. But even my failures are an essential part of the transformation. 

Many years ago, when I was in professional ministry, I had become close friends with the members of our Senior Pastor’s advisory council. They were all Christian businessmen. Occasionally after I preached, they would tell me, “Jason, you preached a great sermon! However, you really don’t know what it’s like in the real world.” These guys had to deal with the daily grind in the dog-eat-dog world of their respective careers.

In hindsight, I understand their perspective. It is fairly easy to put together a good sermon. You choose a topic, use some relevant Bible verses and provide interpretation, then provide action steps, sprinkled with inspirational and/or funny anecdotes or personal examples. Voila! You have a fairly decent sermon. Okay, that’s overly simplistic and there’s more to crafting a sermon than that. The whole process needs to be bathed in prayer and hopefully with specific direction from the Holy Spirit.

But the point I’m trying to make is that a sermon usually addresses deep topics with simplistic and idealistic solutions. And for people like my friends who were struggling to be genuine Christians in a vicious marketplace that defined their careers, most sermons were lacking. Following Jesus based on these kind of sermons seemed unrealistic in their “real world.” Cherry-picked Bible verses, simple interpretations, uncontextualized application, and emotionally-laced stories don’t equip most people to genuinely follow Jesus in the unique and ambiguous circumstances of their lives. 

So when I left professional ministry 20 years ago, one of my goals was to be an authentic apprentice of Jesus in the marketplace. I genuinely wanted to discover if his invitation to follow him actually “worked” in “real life.” I don’t think this is a spoiler for anyone reading this, but 20 years later I can say, “Absolutely!” I have discovered again and again that Jesus is truly the most intelligent person who has ever walked this planet. He can hold his own in knowledge and character among the experts in any field of human knowledge, from business to medicine to finance to quantum physics. In fact, as the true Human, he is a Master of all human endeavors.

So when he invites us to come and learn from him, what he teaches and trains us actually “works” in our relationships, careers and every other aspect of “real life.” But it “works” not because we learn about goals, habits, purpose, empathy, collaboration, emotional intelligence, managing time and money, and the myriad other topics in most popular business, leadership, and self-improvement books. It’s about trustingly apprenticing yourself to the Master, unlearning your current broken understanding of human life, and relearning from Jesus how to be like him within God’s relentless project of love, justice and transformation which ultimately reveals what is truly “real life”. 

Following Jesus is not a simple, linear process to personal success. Rather, it is an arduous process of sacrifice, especially in a marketplace defined by values and activities opposed to what Jesus may be teaching you. That’s why Jesus said if anyone wants to be my student, he must take up his cross and follow me.

I’ve been following Jesus for almost 40 years. The first half of that time was spent either preparing for or actively engaged in professional pastoral ministry. But the last half of that time was trying to learn from and to live like Jesus outside of professional ministry as challenged by my businessmen friends so many years ago. Challenge accepted. As I transition out of my career, I would like to dedicate several posts to sharing some of what I learned during that time.

It’s been almost a month since I retired. And it’s been fantastic! After my last day of work, Debbie and I flew to Texas to visit our youngest son, daughter-in-law and soon-coming grandson. We had a fantastic time exploring areas around Austin and Waco and we just had a lot of fun being with our kids. Due to issues with the airlines, our seven-day trip extended to a ten-day trip. We wouldn’t have been able to pivot so easily if I were working. The week we returned, we spent a couple of days with our friends who had moved to New Zealand several years ago. They were visiting family for only a week and we would have missed that precious opportunity had I been working. Over the past few weeks, Debbie and I also spent time with a couple of our kids and their spouses.

Frankly, that’s the big takeaway regarding retirement — more time, especially with people. I’ve been enjoying more time with Debbie, with our kids, and with friends. I’ve been enjoying going to the coffee shop in the morning and talking with people and then taking a long peaceful walk to think and pray.

And as I mentioned in my last post, I’m not bored. I’ve been able to work on projects I left untouched for far too long. I’m working new disciplines into my daily routine like the aforementioned morning walks, reading through Psalms, trying to learn Spanish, and writing. And there are many more things I’m hoping to do.

Some of this will change, though. Even though I retired early from the school district, I knew I would still need to work. I had a few criteria for any job I would accept. It had to allow me to work with people. It had to be close to home. It had to be low-stress. And it had to have a healthy leadership environment. I’ve been offered a part-time job as an afterschool STEM instructor. While it’s not as close to home as I would have liked, it seems to tick off the other three criteria. So next week I start a new job!

A lot of change for just a month. And it seems more to come in the near future.

I have been asked this question many times over the last few weeks. It’s a natural question due to the circumstances. I am retiring! February 29th will be my last day at the school district. So naturally people are asking, “Are you excited?”

This has been a somewhat difficult question to answer. The simple answer would be either yes or no. But in this case, as I’m sure with most life-altering transitions, the answer is not always simple. I think an honest answer would be 80% yes and 20% other. 

Then the other day, a coworker asked me, “Are you excited or nervous?” What a great way to phrase the question! Yes, I am absolutely excited about retiring. But that excitement is intermingled with so many other emotions. I am experiencing sadness at the thought of leaving my team and friends. I am experiencing regret wondering if I adequately demonstrated Christ in the workplace. And there is also some worry in that I need to find another job to supplement my pension. So like getting ready for a plane trip, there’s a lot of excitement mixed with some nervousness.

But, yes, I am excited about the opportunities that are awaiting me in the future. I am excited about no longer having a high-stress and demanding job. I am excited about being a grandpa. (Yes, our first grandchild is due in May!) I am excited about spending more time with Debbie. I am excited about the prospect of being involved in peoples’ lives without a demanding schedule. I’m excited to start writing again. I’m excited about developing my photography business. And the list of opportunities go on.

One thing is certain, I don’t plan on being bored during retirement.

Yesterday, Debbie’s and my youngest got married to an amazing young woman, Samantha. There was something deeply satisfying about this marriage.

Chris and Samantha are absolutely meant for each other. Individually, they each possess wonderful qualities. Together, they complement and magnify those qualities. I cannot wait to see how years of loving, caring and supporting each other will cause those qualities to shine.

I am filled with so many memories of Chris growing up in our family. At times, he could be so energetic, almost explosively so. Other times, he would be very focused and intent. I remember him studying ants on the sidewalk or intently observing people. And boy, could he make us laugh. From a young age he possessed great comedic timing. I remember times sitting around the dinner table in our new house, laughing uncontrollably at something he said.

Chris always had a strong moral compass. He was concerned about what is right. And he cares for people. I remember him telling me about his deep concern for a situation a friend was going through and thought to myself, “I wish I had a friend like Chris when I was growing up.”

Chris is also extremely creative. I’m amazed at how easily he could paint, draw and learn musical instruments. I love looking at a few of his paintings that are still hanging in his old room. And one of my favorite possessions is a detailed pencil drawing of a raccoon with the words, “I Love You Dad,” that still hangs in our dining room.

After Chris graduated from high school, he started seeking God’s call on his life. He wanted to explore the monastic life in the Orthodox Church. One of the greatest honors given to me was him including me in conversations about discerning God’s calling and letting me join him on a trip to St Herman’s Monastery in Redding, California. I will always cherish those memories.

Another cherished memory will be our three-day roadtrip from Austin, Texas to California. We talked for hours about God, the Church, the universe, relationships, and so many other topics and visited St Anthony’s monastery in Arizona.

When Chris started dating Samantha, it became apparent pretty quickly that she was perfect for him. Their personalities and qualities complemented each other so well. She easily became part of our family. It was fun watching them together — talking, laughing, and supporting each other.

Yesterday, in St Nectarios Orthodox Church, surrounded by friends and family, Chris transitioned from my son to Samantha’s husband. Chris and Samantha entered into a sacramental covenant with each other that will form them into one person and further transform them into Christ’s likeness. The day was filled with God’s presence, life and faithfulness that I pray will continue throughout their marriage.

I love the following quote from Elder Aimilianos as he describes the living sacrament of marriage:

“Marriage is a journey of love. It is the creation of a new human being, a new person, for as the Gospel says, ‘the two will be as one flesh’. God unites two people, and makes them one. From this union of two people, who agree to synchronize their footsteps and harmonize the beating of their hearts, a new human being emerges. Through such profound and spontaneous love, the one becomes a presence, a living reality, in the heart of the other. ‘I am married’ means that I cannot live a single day, even a few moments, without the companion of my life. My husband, my wife, is part of my being, of my flesh, of my soul. He or she complements me. He or she is the thought of my mind. He or she is the reason for which my heart beats… in marriage, it seems that two people become together. However, it’s not two but three. The man marries the woman, and the woman marries the man, but the two together also marry Christ. So three take part in the mystery, and three remain together in life.”

Chris and Samantha embark on a new life together. Like all marriages, the years will bring joys, heartbreaks, opportunities, loss, excitement and stress. They will journey through these moments together as one person and one life.

For Debbie and me, this is bittersweet, because Chris and Samantha live in Texas and not near us. We are excited about what they will experience and share. But we are also sad that we won’t be geographically close enough to enjoy the journey in person with them.

Back in March, I was able to help Chris move back home from Texas. We had hoped this would be a permanent move and that he could get his program transferred to California. Unfortunately, after weeks of trying, it turned out not to be possible. The warehouse in Texas to which Chris was originally assigned is finally opening this month.

Of the different options available, moving back to Texas to finish the program seems to be the best one for Chris. He made that decision less than two weeks ago while Debbie and I were on vacation in Idaho. So this change has come upon us abruptly. We thought Chris would live at home with us for another year or more. But that is not to be. He is leaving home again. And this time, it seems for good.

A year ago when Chris left for Indiana and then Texas, he was single. There was the chance that he would return home between finishing the program and starting the next phase of his life and career. 

This time, Samantha, his girlfriend, is joining Chris in Texas. They have decided to use this occasion to start a new life together and plan to live in Texas for at least a year. And based on recent conversations, it looks very favorable that they will be engaged by the end of this year. 

So today, they start the three-day trip to Texas and a new life together. 

I am so grateful for the last few months Chris was at home. We all wish it could have been longer. But now Chris’ room is empty again. Almost all of his belongings are packed in his small car and Samantha’s dad’s truck. For him, his empty room is a symbol of the exciting life that awaits him with the woman he loves. For us who remain behind, his empty room echoes with memories of conversations, prayers, joys, disappointments, laughter, and tears. 

Debbie and I share in Chris’ excitement. We will be praying for him and Samantha, hoping for their best, and looking forward to their visits in the near future. But today, as we say goodbye again, we know it is different. Almost twenty-three years of Chris living at home with us ends today. And we are very, very sad. Our son and friend has left and we miss him terribly.

I love the show Ted Lasso. While it can go over-the-top with its foul language and adult themes, I love how it depicts kindness overcoming a lot of the ugliness in our society. I’m privileged to say that I have my own personal Ted Lasso.

My wife Debbie has got to be one of the kindest people I’ve ever known. This was made apparent to me again in the airport, preparing to leave for vacation. During the couple of hours that we waited for our flight, Debbie introduced herself to several people, passed out candy, and made friends with a number of them.

At one point there was a young woman waiting at our gate asleep in her chair. They changed our gate and Debbie noticed that the woman did not wake up to hear the announcement. When Debbie didn’t see the woman in the crowd at the new gate, she decided to go back and inform the woman of the gate change. After waking up the woman and informing her of the change, the woman thanked Debbie profusely. 

One of the young men with whom Debbie was speaking shared a lot about his past and his dreams for his music career. Debbie and I were one of the first to board the plane. When this young man boarded, Debbie shouted out his name and gave him a fist bump. He was so thrilled and proclaimed, “You guys are so awesome!” 

It was amazing watching Debbie at the airport. While most people would simply isolate themselves, bury themselves in their phones, and ignore those around them, Debbie was talking to people and getting them to open up.

This is just a sampling of what I get to experience firsthand on a regular basis. Where most people choose to ignore others, Debbie chooses to engage, encourage, and love.

The tagline for the Ted Lasso show is, “Kindness makes a come back.” Frankly I have been living with kindness for over 30 years. Throughout my life, there have been a lot of people I’ve wanted to emulate – leaders, theologians, pastors. But the one person I truly hope to be like is my wife.

Last week, I flew from LAX to Austin, TX. At the airport, Chris picked me up and we began a three-day drive back to California. Chris was coming home! Over the three days in the car, in hotels, on walks, and at meals, we talked about God, the Bible, the vastness of the universe and time, music, relationships, human brokenness, and God’s abounding love.

The last time Chris and I traveled together in 2018, I was trying to help him discern a calling to monastic life. After that trip, he commented to someone, “I would have been lost without my dad.” In the three and half years since that trip, Chris has grown and matured. He could have made this trip from Texas to California by himself. But he wanted me to join him. On this trip, I felt more his friend than his dad.

I think that is what made the conversations and moments so special for me. We asked questions, shared opinions and values, laughed and pondered, and encouraged each other as friends and peers.

As I’ve thought about our trip together, it reminded me that we’re all traveling home in one way or another. While we could travel alone, it’s better when we choose our travel companions for the journey. And it’s an honor when we’re chosen to be someone’s travel companion.

On the journey, hopefully we’re both formed a little more into Jesus’ likeness by the lives shared with each other. It makes the journey home that much sweeter.

In my opinion, virtually everything that Bishop Todd Hunter posts is gold. But the following post last week really struck home:

“Many people do not approach Christ to find out what claim he might put on their life, what transformation of the total self it might require. We often interact with the person & work of Jesus hoping to find support for views we presently hold and the current habits of our heart.

“As C.S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity, ‘We are looking for an ally where we are offered either a Master or—a judge.’

“When not aligned to the aims of Jesus, we are in fact rebels living a life contrary to the whole track laid down by the purpose and plan of God. When we name the rebel within us, it allows us to then deal with our self-will in order to trust and follow Jesus.

“in the biblical and spiritual sense, surrender has a beauty, goodness, rightness and power to it. It is the grace-enabled ability to let go; stop fighting; and deny self-will and follow Jesus.

“Wholehearted surrender and the abandoning of outcomes to God is not fatalism. It is not passive. It is a thoroughly reasoned abandonment to Jesus, taking on his aims in your own life and ministry.”

Bishop Todd Hunter

At times I’m guilty of a vending-machine Christianity. I want something, so I approach Christ with my request, hoping he will give me what I want. It could be for myself or for another — life direction, a job, a car, health, blessing, or intervention. I may even tack on “The Lord’s will”. But bottom-line, my requests tend to be like Bob Wiley from “What About Bob?” “Give me, give me, give me! I need, I need, I need!” Regardless of how eloquent I may be, I’m still approaching God simply as a dispenser of blessings.

Approaching God with our needs isn’t a bad thing. God is our shepherd in whom we have no need. The Bible does say that “Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of Lights”?

But our requests of God must be within the overarching truth that Christ has a claim to put on our life. He wants to train and transform us into his likeness first and foremost so we can be genuinely human in God’s rule like he is. Then our requests are driven by what God is doing in us and through us as part of his program to renew his world.

If would be so nice if “self-will” and “surrender” were settings we could just flip off and on like we do with our smartphones. But it’s not easy. That’s because they’re not settings. They are part of our coding that needs to be rewritten. And without us cooperating with Christ’s rewriting of our code, we find ourselves unaligned to Jesus’ aims and rebels who are living a life contrary to God’s purpose and plan, even though we claim to be his people.

Today is Thanksgiving day in the United States. This morning, I had a chance to take a quiet walk and reflect on everything I am thankful for. As I reflected on my family, friends, and the evident aspects of my life for which I’m thankful, I realize that I have nothing for which I am not thankful. 

Does that mean everything is perfect or painfree? Absolutely not! Life is full of stress, struggle and suffering. But as I think about those trials and pains, both past and present, I’m aware that even in the difficult times there is much to be thankful. 

Am I thankful for the loss or absence of loved ones in my life? By no means! But I am thankful for the shared life and deep love we have that makes their absence so deeply felt. 

Am I thankful for the times of financial struggles my family experienced when we were young? Not really. But I am thankful for how our family was saturated in God‘s faithfulness and how the reality of his constant presence and care formed all of us. 

Am I thankful for the stress and dysfunction of my workplace? Not at all. But I am thankful for the relationships there as well as how God has used this job to care for my maturing family.

And the list could go on…

In 1Thessalonians 5, Saint Paul writes, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” I’m not sure if my reflections do his words justice. But I am reminded that even in the darkest times, I can give genuine, heartfelt thanks to him.

I know I don’t experience intense suffering like others throughout the world. Nor do I have severe chronic illness or pain that many experience. So I’m in no way trying to give simplistic advice or answers for those who are in dark places that I can only imagine. But from my limited experience I continue to see God‘s constant care, unending faithfulness, and abounding love in all things. And for that I am thankful.

This week, I sold my old 2003 Kia Sorento. My parents gave it to us when they bought a new car four or five years ago. And it became my faithful everyday commuter car. And while I had to invest some money into it, the car kept on going and going and going. About a year and half ago, it started acting up. So I decided to upgrade my car. At the time, my youngest son needed a car just to drive around locally. So he took the car as his. He kept using the Kia after he landed his current job. But one night, it broke down and he decided to upgrade to a newer car as well. Since then, it sat in front of our house, used infrequently as a spare car. So we decided it was time to sell it. When we sold the Kia, it had over 236,000 miles on it!

I’m a fairly nostalgic guy. Oftentimes, my nostalgia centers around certain objects upon which memories are attached. Our cars are some of those objects. My little red Corolla was the first car Debbie and I owned as a married couple. We used it for trips early in our marriage, we transported the teenagers in our youth group, and it became our family car until our three kids could no longer fit in the backseat. (Poor Michael had to cram between two car seats back there.) 

Our white Chrysler van that we bought from our best friends was the first car that fit our family of six. We purchased it soon after our youngest was born. It felt so luxurious to have a large car that sat us all so comfortably. 

After that car started showing its age, my parents gave us their Kia Sedona so we would have a newer van for our family. It was such a faithful, dependable car that we used to take our family everywhere. That car held so many family memories. Its faithfulness allowed my family to go and experience so many wonderful things together. The same is true for our current family van (pictured above). These cars have become the anchor point for many wonderful and cherished memories for me. When I think of these cars and the unique memories associated with them, I can’t help but smile with joy and gratitude.

As I think about my life, I hope the same and even more can be said about me. I want my life to be the anchor point of many cherished memories for others. I hope my faithfulness to God, my family, and my friends will allow them to remember moments that bring them joy, gratitude, and even inspiration in their lives. I pray that one day God will welcome me with the words I long to hear, “Welcome home my good and faithful servant.” And because of my attempts at faithfulness over the many miles of my life, we will have unique and cherished memories together that bring smiles to our faces.

This weekend my oldest son, Michael, got married. He married his best friend and the love of his live. And we are so thrilled for them!

Due to circumstances, Michael and Frances chose a courthouse wedding. The courthouse would only allow one person to accompany them as a witness. They bestowed that wonderful honor to me!

During the sparse ceremony, many of the elements we associate with a wedding were missing — church, priest, music, flowers, a best man and maid of honor, a father to give away the bride, a room filled with family and friends.

But the essential core to a marriage was there — two people committing to a life of self-giving, self-sacrificing love to each other and the presence of our loving generous God in whom we live, move and have our being.

So alone under fluorescent lights and in front of a desk surrounded in plexiglass, Michael and Frances committed themselves to each other and to a life together. And within a few minutes, the ceremony was over.

St Paul calls the marriage between a man and a woman a mystery, a sacrament. This sacrament is living and growing. Elder Aimilianos describes this living sacrament:

“Marriage is a journey of love. It is the creation of a new human being, a new person, for as the Gospel says, ‘the two will be as one flesh’. God unites two people, and makes them one. From this union of two people, who agree to synchronize their footsteps and harmonize the beating of their hearts, a new human being emerges. Through such profound and spontaneous love, the one becomes a presence, a living reality, in the heart of the other. ‘I am married’ means that I cannot live a single day, even a few moments, without the companion of my life. My husband, my wife, is part of my being, of my flesh, of my soul. He or she complements me. He or she is the thought of my mind. He or she is the reason for which my heart beats… in marriage, it seems that two people become together. However, it’s not two but three. The man marries the woman, and the woman marries the man, but the two together also marry Christ. So three take part in the mystery, and three remain together in life.”

The living sacrament of marriage is a journey of learning to embody self-giving love and mutual submission for the good of the other person within the loving tutelage of Jesus.

And in the sterile environment of the courthouse, my son and his wife committed to a life of this kind of love. It will be a life filled with joy and laughter mixed with sorrow and pain. But each moment together will continue the emergence of this new person.

After the short ceremony, Michael and Frances walked out of the courthouse.  They may have been alone inside, but outside Debbie, Cathy, Mike, Danielle, and Chris eagerly awaited them. We received them, celebrated with them, and loved on them. And we embraced this “new person” and wished them well on their new journey together.

My youngest son has embraced his musical aptitude. He has learned the ukulele, guitar, and bass. Recently, we’ve started having occasional jam sessions. We’ll project the words and chords to songs on our TV and then play and sing together. I haven’t touched a guitar in about ten years. I’ve retained enough guitar and singing skills to lovingly butcher some of my favorite songs. Each jam session always seems to incorporate John Denver’s “Take Me Home, Country Roads.” And when we hit the chorus, it’s no holds barred in both strumming and harmonies.

I do a lot of reading and thinking about theology and spiritual formation. And I try to practice what I’m learning in loyal faithfulness to King Jesus. Frankly, I think my apprenticeship to Jesus is at about the same skill level as my guitar playing and singing. I know what it should sound like in my head, but what actually comes out falls short.

It’s easy to beat myself up over my failures in spiritual formation.

But then I think about my strumming and singing. When my son and I finish a jam session, my fingers hurt and my voice is strained. Slaughtered melodies linger in the air. But I never feel bad about my skills. I’ve had a great time! I love my son! I love playing guitar and singing with him. We sing and laugh through the cracked voices and inconsistent timing. It’s just fun being with each other.

So when I start feeling bad about my failures in my apprenticeship to Jesus, I try to remind myself of why I do it. I love Jesus! I love his presence and living life with him! I love the human vocation to bear his image into his good world and to be a positive presence for the good of others. And even when I stumble and falter and get in my own way, my attempts are my way of loving him with my heart, mind, soul and strength.

Having been a Christian for almost 30 years and intentionally practicing spiritual formation for over twenty years, I wish I were much further along than where I am. But I’m not following Jesus because I’m trying to master a skill or acquire a status. I follow Jesus because he first loved me and I absolutely love him! I follow Jesus because he’s everything to me and he’s leading me to the place of his likeness — genuine humanity as God intended for all of us. Our true home.

So who’s ready to lovingly butcher another chorus?

Country roooooaaaads! Take me hoooooome! To the plaaaaace! I beloooooong!!!!

“Suddenly the Judge shall come and the deeds of each shall be revealed.” 

This is a line from the morning prayers I say. When I first became an Eastern Orthodox Christian, I used to emotionally cringe at this line. It played into my old juridical perspective of God, depicting God as pounding his gavel and declaring me guilty. Or worse, it played on some of my deeper distortions of God as a deity hiding around the corner, waiting for me to do something bad so he could jump out and catch me red-handed. 

But that isn’t the God revealed in Jesus. He’s a good, loving, generous Father who desires us to enter the true human life and vocation as his image-bearers, ambassadors, and priests.

So now, I see this line more therapeutically. A judge determines what is real and true. Like a doctor touching an area on our body in order to diagnose, the pain that we experience reveals disease or disorder that needs to be addressed and healed.

So it’s for our goodness and health that the Judge comes and reveals our deeds. It reveals what is real. And that honest revelation is always a gift, and never a curse.

But how does the Judge come and reveal? I find in my life it’s through pressure and suffering. When circumstances become stressful, that’s when the Judge reveals, when the Doctor diagnoses. As part of the process, the crap that I’m fairly good at burying during normal times is exposed. Anger, anxiety, fear, impatience, gossip, pride, self-centeredness, control, self-preservation, and so much more are flushed into the open.

And that’s when I’m reminded and invited again to trust in and follow my Shepherd. In him I lack nothing. In him I am safe. In him I am sustained. In him the fractured and frenzied pieces of my life are being reintegrated and restored.

I write this because yesterday morning as I prayed that line, I choked when I realized how the past couple of weeks have brought the Judge so powerfully. I can’t remember a time when I’ve felt so overwhelmed, to the point I feel physically ill and emotionally strung out. And what’s being exposed isn’t good. It feels like all the spiritual formation over the past several years has evaporated.

I’m not writing this to invoke pity. Rather, it’s a reminder that true and genuine honesty is a gift, not a curse. If I let God do his work, then what I’m experiencing is ultimately for my good. Suddenly the Judge comes and it is a good thing, even though it hurts so much.

Today marks the first anniversary of my mother-in-law’s death. I wrote the following on Facebook soon after her passing, but wanted to share it again.

“Yesterday, my beloved mother-in-law passed from this life. Often you hear about people who embody heroic portions of kindness to all people. We had the rare privilege of living with one. Leslie impacted so many people through her sheer kindness, gentleness and sacrifice. No matter who you were, you were always accepted and cared for. Others were always more important than herself. Whether it was a plate of food, an extra $20 to help meet the bills, or a kind word, she genuinely gave to everyone. She gave like she was the richest person on earth. And quite frankly, I think she was.

“As long as I knew Leslie, her heart’s desire was to ultimately be in Jesus’ presence. Yesterday, she was rewarded with her greatest desire. I can only imagine her joy of seeing her Friend and Savior welcome her with his loving arms and whisper, ‘Welcome home my good and faithful daughter!’”

A year has passed and it has been a difficult one. We have celebrated birthdays and holidays, but they have not been the same without her. And it pains me that my family will celebrate new and significant milestones without her. 

I miss her smile and her voice. I miss the small things she would  do. Just yesterday, I saw a woman eating a donut the way mom would hold her food and I felt the pang I’ve felt throughout this past year.

I miss you, mom.

Update: After posting this, Debbie left a beautiful “first year in heaven” tribute to her mom on Facebook. I wanted to include it in this post because it provides such a beautiful image of Leslie and expresses the immense hole in our lives that her absence has created.

“It has been one year since my Mama was welcomed into Heaven. We miss you Mama! We miss so much about you. Your sweet voice, your loving hugs, your smiles and funny jokes. We miss how much you made us feel loved and lovable. We miss your singing out praise songs and hymns throughout the day. We miss you “getting our honey”, that always made us smile and laugh. Nobody could soothe me better when I was sick; it was like you had the best recipe for toast and tea. Thanks for all the times you made baby tea for us when we were little and needed some special treatment. I have never met a more compassionate and giving woman. I have seen you give of yourself over and over without a complaint and yet I haven’t learned to be enough like you. I will keep trying to learn from your example.”

“Until we meet again, sweet Mama, we will remember you and the love of God that you have shared with us. We will remember that you taught us to trust and follow Jesus. We will remember that you taught us to pray and sing hymns and praises to God all through the day and when we wake up at night. You are often in our thoughts. In our selfishness we wish you were here but we know that you are in a much better place. Happy first year in heaven!”

Today is Debbie’s birthday. She is my wife and my best friend. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve such an amazing person as her with whom to share my life, but I am sincerely and eternally grateful.

Not only is she stunningly beautiful, but Debbie has an incredible depth of character. I can honestly say that I have never met another person who is so God-centered and other-centered like she is. Having been a pastor and a theology student, I have heard and read my share of people talk about what love is. Debbie’s life cuts through all the verbiage with the actual thing. Her default setting is to think about the good of other people. Then add to that her brilliance, her charm, her wit, and all the other envious qualities and you have this astounding woman.

And, every morning, I wake up thankful and stunned that she wants to spend her life with me. And every night, I go to sleep grateful I’ve shared another day with her.

Jesus calls us to follow him and to learn from him how to be genuinely human. It’s a journey of transformation by grace into what God is by nature. In this way, we reclaim our original human vocation as image-bearers, reflecting God’s character and love into the world. So when Jesus says the following, our ears should perk up:

“That way you’ll be children of your father in heaven!” -Matt 5:45

In what way will we actually be like our Father? This is how:

“I tell you: love your enemies! Pray for people who persecute you!” -Matt 5:44

We are like our Father and reflect him into the world when we become people who embody a fresh, creative love to everyone. This is a life so free from toxic idolatry and sin that one’s first inclination toward personal offense and violence is not anger and vengeance, but a patient, generous, sacrificial love.

And Jesus’ summary statement is preceded by three examples that make a profound point about this kind of life — you cannot fight insult, violence and injustice with more insult, violence and injustice. Darkness does not overcome darkness. No matter who comes out on top, darkness always wins. God is light and love, so his people, his children must embody and reflect this into all situations.

Unfortunately, we are surrounded by people who have placed their self-interest before others. It may be the person who just cut you off on the freeway, barely missing your car. It may the person in the express checkout line at the store whose purchase far exceeds the fifteen item limit. It may be the co-worker at your job who just threw you under the bus in order to look good in front of your boss.

Our response in these frustrating and even dangerous moments is to embody what Jesus embodied throughout his life. He healed people. He told stories that made them see life and reality differently. He fed people. He cared for people. He challenged people to become truly human. And when his enemies escalated the stakes, Jesus received the pain of the beatings. He carried the beam upon which he would be executed. And while excruciatingly hanging upon the cross, he prayed for them.

He was truly his Father’s child. And he invites us to learn from him how to be the same.

I realized the other day that during my commute to and from work, I frequently remind myself of some basic truths with which I try to align my life. Like the infrastructure of a building, these truths form the framework for my life. My daily activities, thoughts, and words may not always sync with these truths, but I trust Jesus to continue training me into more consistent alignment.

One. God is truly good and has created and rules over a good world. As I seek to live in his reign, he generously provides everything I need. I truly lack nothing and can be content in God’s provision whether I possess little or much.

Two. Jesus is the model of genuine humanity. He is a human being the way God intended. Everything he did was as a human being living fully in God’s reign.

Three. Jesus invites us to follow him in order to learn from him how to be genuinely human in God’s good world and reign. By learning to live in God‘s reign like Jesus, we will discover that the way we live, work, and lead will be completely and radically different from the common experience around us. We won’t need to make things happen. We won’t need to hurt, push, bully, or manipulate people. We can live from a place of peace, faith, generosity, grace, and compassion and know that God will work out everything.

Four. The human vocation is to be God’s image-bearers into his good world. In this way, we cooperate with God by embodying his character and wisdom. We are his royal priests, his ambassadors and representatives that only say and do what we hear and see the Father saying and doing. Through the power of God’s Spirit, we do creative goodness for the sake of others and creation. 

Five. Our actual lives is the gymnasium for our formation into Christ’s likeness as he trains us. All circumstances, regardless of their place on the spectrum between suffering and tranquility, are opportunities to learn from Christ how to be a genuine human in God’s reign for the sake of others.

Six. Jesus fulfilled the covenant and thus 1) broke the power of idolatry and the life of sin that empowers it, 2) restored to us the human vocation as God’s image-bearers , and 3) launched his Father’s New Creation in the midst of this one. When we accept Jesus‘ invitation into an intimate relationship of following and learning from him, we become part of the New Creation both in what God is doing in us and through us to the world.

Chris turns 20 today. This young man has brought so much joy to our lives. The day he entered our lives was amazing and every day since has been an absolute privilege. His devotion to God and care for people are a  delight to experience and continue to challenge me to be a better person. He serves people wholeheartedly and selflessly. He is extremely witty, intelligent, and creative. He has grown from being our “baby” to being an extraordinary man that I admire deeply and I am proud to call my son and friend. I can’t tell him enough how much I love him and how proud I am of him. Happy Birthday, Christopher!

“But supposing someone says, ‘Well: you have faith, and I have works.’ All right: show me your faith — but without doing any works; and then I will show you my faith, and I’ll do it by my works! You believe that ‘God is one’? Well and good! The demons believe that, too, and they tremble! Do you want to know, you stupid person, that faith without works is lifeless? Wasn’t Abraham our father justified by his works when he offered up his son Isaac on the altar? You can see from this that faith was cooperating along with the works, and the faith reached its fulfillment through the works.” James 2:18-22

Many modern Christians struggle with James’ teaching on faith and works. They believe that James and Paul are somehow at odds with each other. First, we need to get that out of the way. James and Paul say the same thing. Here are a couple of quotes from Paul:

“You have been saved by grace, through faith! This doesn’t happen on your own initiative; it’s God’s gift. It isn’t on the basis of works, so no one is able to boast. This is the explanation: God has made us what we are. God has created us in King Jesus for the good works that he prepared, ahead of time, as the road we must travel.” Eph 2:9-10

“For in the Messiah, Jesus, neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any power. What matters is faith, working through love.” Gal 5:6

Second justification does not mean salvation. Biblically, salvation is the deliverance from our idolatry, the life of sin that supports and empowers it, and the dehumanization, disintegration and death that ultimately results from it. And salvation is the deliverance to the restored human vocation as God’s image-bearers in his creation. 

Justification, on the other hand, is a term from the law-court. The image is a law court where the Christian is on trial in order to determine if they are actually a member of God’s covenantal people. In the Old Testament, covenantal membership was based on ethnicity. Israel was God’s chosen people, receiving both the covenantal blessings (land, law, and temple) and responsibilities (to rescue and restore the nations and God’s creation).

This ethnic-based membership was summarized by the Shema, “Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength” Deut 6:4-5.

Ethnic Israel was God‘s chosen people. Yet, Jesus, Israel’s true king, redefined covenantal membership, opening it up to the nations, and redefined the covenantal vocation.

James is dealing with Jewish Christians, who seem to continue using the Shema as the basis of their covenantal membership and vocation and thus excusing themselves from caring for the poor and needy.

In this law-court image, James is saying let’s look at the evidence. As Jewish Christians you are presenting the Shema as your evidence. You loyally declare and adhere to the statement that God is one and you love God with your heart, soul and strength. Well, first, even the demons believe that God is one, so that doesn’t take you very far. 

And second, the Shema is adhering to only half of the covenantal vocation as redefined by Jesus, Israel’s true king. The Shema is the old standard. Jesus’ royal law is to love God with all of your heart, soul and strength AND to love your neighbor as yourself. If you are loyal to Jesus, then you must be loyal to his redefinition. And loving others is practically expressed through the loving care for the least in society — the poor.

These works, says James, are the true evidence that he’s a member of God’s covenantal people. The ethnic declaration of loyalty is no longer valid evidence for covenantal membership and vocation. The true evidence is loyalty to God demonstrated by love for him AND acts of care and kindness to others. These works demonstrate loyal adherence to Jesus’ redefined covenantal vocation as expressed in his royal law. In this way you are justified, declared “right” in God’s law court, that you are truly a member of his covenantal people.

Faith must leap into action through service. Serving others is not optional. It’s why we have been saved and invited to join Jesus’ covenantal people — to do creative, beautiful and sacrificial goodness for the sake of others. In this way our faith reaches its fulfillment through our works.

Yesterday, I deleted or deactivated almost all of my social media accounts — 500px, Flickr, Twitter, and Facebook. 

Removing myself from these feeds was a difficult decision, especially Facebook. Having been on that platform for years, I have so many people from my past and present that I enjoy following. I have watched them and their families grow, laughed at their memes, cheered at their successes, cried in their tragedies and even deaths, and prayed for them as they shared their life events.

I’ve also enjoyed writing anniversary and birthday messages for my wife and kids. My greatest joy is being Debbie’s husband and being Michael’s, Catherine’s, Danielle’s and Christopher’s dad. I want the world to know how much I love and cherish them and how highly I think about them.

There were a number of factors that played into this decision, but two stand out. One reason is I didn’t like how I turned to my social media feeds during down-time moments. Rather than turning to images and posts, I want my internal default to turn to activities like prayer, reflection, reading and writing. And I also want to be more aware of God and people in the moment. That’s very difficult to do when I’m staring at my phone.

Another reason is too much noise has accumulated in my life. It seems like everything is a rapidly scrolling feed of images and ideas, competing for attention before it’s quickly replaced by something else. It’s like standing at the top of a waterfall and trying to focus on the objects quickly passing by and plummeting over the falls. And if I had anything to contribute, no matter how important or meaningful it might be to me, it was simply swept away among the other items.

I remember when blogs were “the thing” twenty years ago. When I received a notification that someone I followed had posted, I would carve out some time and slowly read through their post, mulling over what they had written. Yet over the last several years, it seems like this has been replaced by rapid-fire sound bites, links to videos and news articles, memes, and the like. While many of these items may be important, their meaningfulness is drowned out by the dizzying frenzy of hundreds of items spinning by. I found I had no time to enjoy and reflect on everything bombarding me through my feeds. This is the primary reason I have left my friends’ blogs on this blog’s navigation panel. While they’ve been silent for years, I like to return to them and reread their posts.

Add to that the hacking, advertisements, changing algorithms and the impending election cycle, I’ve decided that I’ve had enough. 

Please don’t misunderstand me. This is not a comment about anyone who remains on Facebook or the other social media feeds. This is something I need in my continual formation into Christlikeness. Everything forms us. And the formation from my feeds seemed to be contrary to the formation I’m pursing.

So, is this a permanent decision? I don’t know. At this point I want to say it will be permanent. But I don’t know what the future holds. I’ve taken short breaks from social media in the past and found the experience to be refreshing and refocusing. But I always knew these hiatuses were temporary. This feels different.

I have deleted my 500px and Flickr accounts, so they’re permanently gone. Because I have more personal history invested in Twitter and Facebook, I simply changed my password, logged out, and deleted the apps on my phone and bookmarks on my browsers. And I’ve decided to remain on Instagram (although I’ve deleted the app from my phone) and Youtube since I still draw some inspiration and instruction from those platforms for my photography. But I may eventually remove myself from those platforms as well.

My goal is to revisit this decision in 9 to 12 months. If this decision has made a positive impact, then I will probably permanently delete my Facebook and Twitter accounts.

Moving forward, I will invest my activity into my two blogs — this one and my photoblog. These are slower-paced opportunities to reflect and write. I don’t have any desire to increase engagement here. These blogs are simply a quiet, obscure corner of the internet where I can record the things rumbling around inside of me as well as the important moments of my life.

And hopefully when I look back on this decision, I will have discovered that rejecting formation from my feeds contributed significantly to my ongoing journey home.

So today is my birthday. I don’t know if it’s my age, but I find myself frequently facing two personal demons — regret about the past and anxiety about the future. Like ghosts, past words, deeds and decisions hauntingly whisper during the quiet moments of my life. What if I raised my kids differently? What if I had spent more time with them than at work? What if I had stayed in professional ministry? Did I somehow miss or disqualify myself from God’s calling on my life? And if given too much room, regrets can turn into paralyzing despondency. But thinking about the future can be no better. Rather than facing ghosts of my own making, I face wraiths of what might yet come. Loss of job, loss of family, loss of security, loss of… well everything. These in turn can cause paralyzing fear and panic.

The thing about regrets and anxiety is that we wield no control over them. Nothing we do can change what has happened. And while we may think decisions in the present may somehow govern what happens in the future, it’s a false sense of security. We have as little control over the future as we do changing the past.

That’s when the serene, yet solid words of Psalm 23 calm the raging storm. “The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing” and “I will fear no evil for you are with me.” Jesus is my caring and compassionate Shepherd. He is always intimately and protectively present. And in him, everything I need for life in his kingdom within this world is provided. There’s no need to fear any evil, including regrets and anxiety, for Jesus’ real, tangible, interactive presence eclipses everything.

It’s within this reality that St Paul’s words make so much sense, “Rejoice always. Pray continuously. Give thanks in all circumstances. For this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” God’s will, desire and intention is that we live in Jesus’ intimate and interactive presence. As we do, the natural response will be continuous joy, prayer and gratitude. Fueled by the reality of Jesus’ ongoing shepherding presence, their continual flow from our lives will vanquish the voices of regret and anxiety.

I used to get Paul’s words backwards. I thought it was my responsibility to muster up continuous joy, prayer and gratitude. But I’m finding the more I discard the false realities of how I see the world and immerse myself in the solid REALITY of Jesus’ interactive presence as the Shepherd King of this world, I’m naturally filled with joy, prayer and gratitude.

Photo credit: My best friend and awesome photographer, Mark Feliciano

I’m on vacation. After ending work on Thursday, I went to my favorite coffee shop and then took my coffee to my favorite park for a stroll. I love to end my day with this routine. It allows me to pray, reflect and unwind. 

It was then that I was hit by the full realization that I was starting several days of vacation. I actually got a little emotional. I hadn’t realized how taxing work had been on me. I am so thankful that even though I have a very stressful job, it allows me to take breaks so I can step away for several days. 

As I was praying, I started thinking about those who are undergoing intense struggle and suffering with no opportunity to step away. I know friends and colleagues, not to mention people that fill our news feeds, who are suffering physically, emotionally, and spiritually with no relief in sight. I don’t know how they can endure such long-term and life-crushing pain. 

I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child and face an unfathomable well of grief. Or to lose one’s entire savings and confront the daily panic, despair and regret. Or to hear the doctor’s diagnosis and know one’s life is forever altered.

Scripture verses, advice, and platitudes don’t help in most of these situations. The pain is too deep and unending.

But on behalf of those who are suffering in any way, I pray, “Lord, have mercy” and know our God — our loving, kind and compassionate king and shepherd — hears and is present.

As I read and reread the last couple of chapters of Revelation, I’m struck by the idea that this is not the end of God’s Story. I think we’ve been formed by our culture to read Revelation 22 as though it ends with an assumed “And they lived happily ever after.”

As the book climaxes, all of God’s plans come to fruition. Evil is vanquished, humanity and creation are restored, and God dwells with his people. The New Creation launched by Jesus in his resurrection completely arrives on earth. The dimensions of heaven and earth are finally merged. God’s people will have their resurrected bodies, animated and energized by God’s Spirit. And they will be fully formed into the likeness of Christ.

But that’s not the end of God’s Story. Rather, Revelation 22 seems to indicate that the next phase of God’s Story is ready to begin. There’s an interesting description in Revelation 22:

“Then he showed me the river of the water of life. It was sparkling like crystal, and flowing from the throne of God and of the lamb through the middle of the street of the city. On either bank of the river was growing the tree of life. It produces twelve kinds of fruit, bearing this fruit every month; and the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.”

In symbolic language, St John describes the core of life on God’s renewed earth —the Tree of Life, fed by the Water of Life. And the leaves of this Tree are for the healing and therapy of the nations. It sounds like there’s still work to be done in God’s New Creation. This is different from the popular vision of living among the clouds, reunited with loved ones, in complete bliss.

So the question I have is, “What will the human vocation as God’s image-bearers and kingdom of priests look like in the New Creation?” What will life and work be like for a worldwide community of people with resurrected, Spirit-empowered physical bodies, who are formed into genuine competent love for the good of the world?

Scripture implies there will be some level of continuity between this creation and the New Creation. If so, what will the various elements of human life and community look like — politics, education, technology, economics, travel, art, communication, research, and more.

I realize this is absolute assumption on my part. And I’m not trying to speculate about some “sci-fi” utopia. Rather, I want to envision what human life and community might actually look like when it’s fully formed into competent Christlike love and completely empowered to express it. Because that is what Jesus modeled during his ministry. He competently loved the people and expressed it powerfully to heal them, teach them, feed them and lead them. What will that look like in God’s New Creation when all of God’s people are able to love like that?

St Paul implies this very thing in 1Corinthians 15. After providing a detailed instruction about the physical resurrection, he ends with the following encouragement:

“Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”

Because there is a future physical resurrection when God’s New Creation is fulfilled, keep doing the Lord’s work of competent Christlike love in this present creation. That work will not be worthless. In fact, that work forms the building blocks that God will incorporate into his New Creation. We live God’s future now in anticipation of that future.

God’s Story doesn’t end just because the book ends.

Perhaps we need our imaginations sparked with the ramifications of God’s greatness and goodness filling the earth and our lives, not only now, but also into his eternal future.

Perhaps every Bible should end with “To be continued…”

Since reading Dallas Willard’s posthumous book, Life Without Lack, my imagination has been reinfused with a vision of the with-God life. So in an attempt to keep that vision always before me, I’ve made praying Psalm 23 a daily spiritual discipline.

As I pray this psalm, I’ve realized its words are filled with tremendous meaning in light of Christ’s life and teaching. So I thought I would share how I understand Psalm 23 as I use it as a prayer.

The Lord is my Shepherd. He is my King and my caretaker. Because he is the good shepherd, I live in a good world created and ruled by a good God who gives every good and perfect gift. Therefore, I lack nothing. Because God lacks nothing and because he’s abundantly generous, I lack nothing. I know that as I make his kingship and covenantal justice my first priority, everything else I need will be provided. So I can be fully loyal, faithful and abandoned to his kingship.

The Lord is training me to be satisfied and sustained in him alone. I no longer need to be fed or nourished by anything other than him. He is the Bread of Life and the Living Water. I no longer need to hunger or thirst for anything. Like a sheep that is already full and content, I can lay down in green pastures rather than roaming around eating. This is the secret of being content in any and every situation. My soul, which has been fragmented by the frantic and frenzied pursuit of meaning and satisfaction, is being healed. He is restoring my soul, binding and restoring the shattered fragments into his power and life. 

Living constantly in him and lacking nothing, God shows me how to take up my human vocation as his image-bearer and royal priest. He guides me into a cooperative friendship with him so that I can participate in his righteousness, that is, his covenantal justice in the world. I am now a partner in his reconciling, renewing, and redeeming work in this world. And I do this in his behalf and in his name. I represent him, learning from him how be like him in order to embody, demonstrate and announce his restorative good news.

And I can engage in this redemptive vocation without fearing any evil. When this vocation takes me to the brink of death, destruction, or loss, I will fear no evil. God is with me. He protects me. Nothing can separate me from him and his love. In this constant Reality, I am comforted by God, knowing he works for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. 

The vocation of covenantal justice takes me into places where the world hurts and groans. Because God is generously abundant and gives me all things, he plants my life in the places of pain, even where people might seek my ruin. And yet, I do not need to fear my enemies. I am safe in the care of a good King and Shepherd with his life and power sustaining, nourishing and providing all I need in every moment. Therefore, instead of fearing my enemies, I can bless them. I can invite them to enjoy God’s abundant anointing and blessings in my life without fear of lack or loss. The abundant with-God life allows me to give to everyone — strangers, enemies, friends, family, and loved ones.

Therefore God‘s presence and character exudes from my life everywhere I go and everything I do. His goodness and love are the exhaust of this mighty engine of restoration and blessing. And each moment of my life today and into the infinite future is spent in God’s intimate presence where heaven and earth are merged and restored into his New Creation.